“I’m calling on behalf of my partner. He died, and I need to close his account.”
When Matt drowned in a fast-moving river, it fell to me to cancel his credit cards, close out the utilities at his apartment, and manage his cell phone account.
I called his doctor’s office, his bank, the hardware store, his student loan processor, and every other agency with whom Matt had an account.
I called his doctor’s office, his bank, the hardware store, his student loan processor, and every other agency with whom Matt had an account.
With one notable exception, the person on the other end of the phone gave the same reply: “Ma’am, we need to speak to the account holder. We aren’t authorized to give any information.”
“The account holder is dead.”
“I see. We need to speak to the account holder, ma’am. We cannot close or transfer this service without their permission.”
“The account holder is dead. He’s dead.”
I don’t think I can overstate the rage I felt having to repeat that statement over and over again, only to be faced with a complete lack of acknowledgment of the information I shared. Each customer service rep was incapable of breaking their carefully-constructed script, unable to respond graciously to the actual information being given. Each interaction was marked by irritation and impatience, as though I was wrecking the rep’s day by attempting to close the account, or even to transfer it into my own name.
My experience is not unique: my students and clients tell horror stories of being upsold a new credit card when they call to cancel their late wife’s account, or of being threatened with collections if the account holder didn’t immediately get in touch — even after they’d repeatedly sent their adult child’s death certificate to the agency. One client, Catherine, tells of receiving fundraising calls from her sister’s oncology office, the rep leaving a message for her sister. Apparently, her sister’s death hadn’t made it from her doctor’s notes to the fundraising call sheet.
People die every day, but companies often have no policies in place for dealing with death. And so in corporate responses to death, poor service is the norm, not the exception. And ineffective and insensitive responses from customer service reps don’t just affect those making the calls. They have real-world effects on your business: grieving family members are likely to share their negative experience in online reviews, and in their own social networks. Bad news travels fast, and cruel or indifferent treatment from your service department is definitely not good for your bottom line. Plus, we’re all human beings. Surely we can treat each other better than this.
Of course, death is difficult to talk about, and your customer service and retention reps can’t be expected to offer grief counseling as part of their daily work. There are also legitimate privacy policies to enforce as well; you can’t just allow anyone access to a customer’s account. So how can you ensure your employees are building enduring and caring customer relationships, while also protecting your interests?
One exchange I had stands out in my mind, and could serve as a model for companies. Shortly before he died, Matt had been hiking in the Rocky Mountains. He called from a ridge overlooking the valleys below. His voicemail message said, “Hey — it’s me. Calling from 9000 feet above you. It’s so beautiful here, and I wanted to say hi. I love you.” One week later, he was dead. After 60 days, the message would be erased, per phone company policy.
I called customer service, and the rep asked how they could help. I told them the story, how I couldn’t bear to have Matt’s last message erased, disappearing into the ethers. The rep’s voice softened. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “What an impossible thing to live through.”
He paused, then continued, “Messages do get erased after 60 days. There isn’t anything I can do to change that. I know that isn’t the answer you wanted.” The rep remained calm and kind as I started to cry. He offered suggestions for how I might record the voice message, thereby preserving it before it was erased from the server. He told me again how sorry he was for my loss, wished me well, and we ended the call.
The exchange itself was simple. It lasted under five minutes. No policies were changed, and I didn’t get what I wanted. But I felt heard in that call. I felt like I’d spoken to a real human, one who genuinely cared. And I told everyone about it. Nine years later, I remember that call, and I still have the same phone company. Kindness and acknowledgment was all it took to make me a lifelong customer.
In my work in grief education and outreach, I’ve yet to come across a good model for how companies should talk about death with customers. But I have a few ideas about how leaders can start the discussion with their customer-facing employees.
First, your company needs to clearly articulate what its response should be when a request to close or transfer accounts has been made in the event of someone’s death. Map out all the possible circumstances that could precede such a request and come up with different response paths. These will likely vary depending on your company’s industry and customers.
Second, educate your reps on the key words a caller or writer might use to indicate they’re in emotional pain. Words like, “I’m calling on behalf of my late husband,” or “I need to close the account, as there has been a death,” may seem obvious, but it’s very easy to miss an important word or two when you handle a huge call volume daily. Then, give reps an appropriate script for the situation, including information about when they should and shouldn’t break in (sometimes it’s helpful to go off script, but you also don’t want reps veering toward inappropriate “counseling.”) It’s also worth recognizing employees who help a grieving customer in a thoughtful manner. Above all else, remind reps that they can be kind while still being clear: acknowledging the customer’s loss goes a long way, even when you can’t change policy.
Finally, seek out grief experts on answers to questions you may have. Grief isn’t easy to deal with, and it isn’t a typical corporate subject to broach. Having a person steeped in the topic can help you navigate complex questions and scenarios as you craft new policies.
Losing a loved one is so painful and isolating. To the newly bereaved, even the smallest, most mundane actions take on added weight. A few kind words, a compassionate response, may be all it takes to make an impossible situation that much easier. Your customers may forget a lot as their lives move forward from their loss, but they’ll always remember how your company treated them. All it takes is one kind response to change everything.
by Megan Devine
Megan Devine is the author of It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief & Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand. She’s the founder of Refuge In Grief, a hub of grief education and outreach, where she leads people through some of the most devastating times of their lives. Find her work in The New York Times, NPR, Bustle Magazine, and The Washington Post. 
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